Undecided

2010-09-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

Up. Down. Hit upside the head.
It just keeps coming and I'm along for the ride.

I'm trying to be more proactive, attempting to have a more positive outlook.

I hope. So I go on.

2010-08-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

Today is a better day. Things are not actually better, but I am more committed to being better. Options and alternatives are occurring to me that did not exist before, or I had forgotten about. I considered deleting some of the content from this blog, if not the whole thing. Yet on consideration, mouse hovering over the delete button, I realized that it is important to not forget. It is important that you have the chance to know some of these things. I long for a world of openness, acceptance, and hope that better reflects the possibility of a better world for all that I see all around me despite all that I see which seeks to combat that beautiful thing I strive for.

Not very eloquent. Not edited. But that is why I started this blog in the first place. A dump for my thoughts and experiences. Good and bad. Things that friends and people who would like to know me better should in all fairness know.

Not there yet, but I have hope again.

2010-08-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

I look for reasons to smile. I try to "cowboy up" and just do what needs done. My apathy has taken over the depression for the most part and sadness is a vague sensation on the edge of consciousness. To everybody else the apathy probably looks like "being better" but it's not. Just a less emotional feeling of futility. But today the sadness wants to be dominant.

2010-05-04T10:46:00.001-07:00

It's a new day and the bird song is pleasant.

2010-05-01T22:09:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure or not if it's a good thing nobody pays any attention to what I do online. On the one hand it is helping me make decisions. On the other maybe things could have been different.

2010-05-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

I've pretty much decided. Not committed, but I think I am nearly there. I know how. The question is where and when. Hopefully something magical happens.

2010-04-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly a year (last july) since I said out loud in a public forum (if unread untrafficed public forum) that I was sad. And that was 10+ years too late then. I guess it's up to me. But I've tried to rely on me but nothing works. Nothing. I'm worse off now in every way. So pathetic that my only outlet is a blog and no one hears. So sad.

2010-04-19T22:05:00.001-07:00

In fact...fuck you.

2010-04-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

The funny thing is how many times do you have to say, "I'm not doing okay," for someone to really care enough to help you somehow. Or does everyone feel this way? Is life that horrible? While I didn't advertise it, I didn't exactly hide it either. I'm not doing okay.

2010-04-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

I think about the viability of suicide as a solution on a daily basis. To be clear I don't consider killing myself every day. I just think about the possibility that it is a solution. Because I don't want to feel like this anymore. And the way I feel is a much slower way to die. Maybe I should start writing music.

2010-04-08T03:57:00.001-07:00

Would it make any difference if they knew how sad I was?

Testing yahoo pipes feed

2010-02-23T01:39:00.001-08:00

Will it show what I want or no?

Who would have thought it would require such rigmarole to create a simple "recent posts" list on your home page for multiple blogs.

After trying several different feed mixing/aggregating services I ended up going with Yahoo pipes if only because every other feed combining service seems to vanish over time. For the time being Yahoo pipes is the solution. Probably the smartest thing is to implement my own feed aggregator class to use on my own projects.

So for now I am merging the feeds in Yahoo pipes and then using a json request to display the list of recent posts across my various blogs.

Humorously I have been spending so long creating a new web presence for myself that I'm not sure when I'm gong to start producing new content for these blogs. But if I do you can be updated at beingzoe.com.

2010-02-18T11:44:00.001-08:00

youhavebeenjudged.com Target of the Week: Google Buzz. The buzz or buzz kill? http://ping.fm/65f8B

2009-11-14T20:43:00.001-08:00

You don't need to be perfect to judge but try to avoid failing while you do.

2009-11-06T17:40:00.001-08:00

Do you know what a straw is? (part of ongoing survey)

2009-11-06T17:19:00.001-08:00

Do you have straws in your house right now?

2009-10-22T16:53:00.001-07:00

Ha. Ha Ha Ha. I believe I have the the HA1N1 virus. HA!

2009-10-08T12:02:00.001-07:00

H1N1 STORY in Poway is out of hand. 100 is 200. No reports becomes unconfirmed reports. Small local story becomes nationwide headline. Harumph.

2009-10-05T20:25:00.001-07:00

He keeps saying tropigraphical and that she should orientate herself.

2009-07-26T14:45:00.001-07:00

I was just asked to take a course by proxy toward someone's Master's. A friends mom intentionally asked me, knowing my firm moral values. She offered to pay me to take the course. I naively assumed she meant as cohort, as a study partner. When I figured it out my friend's mom started laughing out loud. She was flat out testing me. Luckily she's a really funny lady. Funny like a clown, but I love her.

2009-07-19T16:11:00.001-07:00

What the...

2009-07-17T18:02:00.001-07:00

The most trusted man in America just died. Can we finally quit the Michael Jackson coverage? Let's have some news.

2009-07-17T17:47:00.001-07:00

I wonder if next season will be an endless stream of dance shows and community events? Still haven't seen the new underwritten season schedule.

2009-07-17T17:13:00.001-07:00

2 minutes to the end of the ballet. A supcalifragilistic ballet. Step in time. Step in time.

2009-07-17T16:53:00.001-07:00

Last dance show for the season. Last event before the theater goes dark for at least a week when the chain motors get pulled.

2009-07-16T12:16:00.001-07:00

More for Garth...My response to an AM 600KOGO piece on Darwin's birthday...http://ping.fm/eNrlh

2009-07-14T20:04:00.001-07:00

Just got my invite for Google Voice. Setting it up and experimenting right now. If you want the phone number, let me know.

2009-07-13T22:28:00.001-07:00

Grab the book nearest you, not the coolest. Go to page 56, sentence 5. Post it as your status. Then post this. By D' Anne http://is.gd/1y1AU

2009-07-13T22:19:00.001-07:00

"Shockingly, many of these Nordic beings have been described to be German speaking and sometimes even wearing Nazi uniforms complete with swastikas." -Ronnie McMullen, Sold Out: Warning: Final Conflict

2009-07-12T15:29:00.001-07:00

Using Rosetta Stone & other online resources for Spanish studies. Live mocha http://is.gd/1wmvb is an amazing language study social network.

2009-07-12T15:24:00.001-07:00

Installed international keyboard support. ñ ä á é í ó ú. But I am not sure that ping.fm supports international characters. Bummer.

2009-07-12T14:48:00.001-07:00

Estudio Espaol. Estoy alumno de Espaol. I recently decided it was time to
take on a second language in earnest.

2009-07-07T16:29:00.001-07:00

Finally home. Spending the day getting sorted and ready to start a new routine tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel as though I entirely arrived.

2009-07-06T10:14:00.001-07:00

Most looking forward to doing laundry and sleeping in my own bed. Soon.

2009-07-06T10:12:00.001-07:00

Only 6 or 7 driving hours & I will be home. Whatever it means. Not sure if I accomplished my mission. Not sure how to go home. Probably not.

2009-07-05T09:20:00.001-07:00

Roswell is the first stop of my journey I am glad to leave. Sadly it is also my last real destination. And yet I will miss this fantasy in the desert.

2009-07-05T09:18:00.001-07:00

Sitting at Starbucks I collect my thoughts and route the final legs of my journey. Tucson today. Vista tomorrow.

2009-07-05T09:14:00.001-07:00

Morning revealed typical heat and sun, as well as a huge unfun wet spot down one side of my bed and random puddles. But I slept through the worst of it.

2009-07-05T09:12:00.001-07:00

An hour later it was clear I had some kind of leak and that dampness was seeping slowly. Resituated bed to most stable ground.

2009-07-05T09:09:00.001-07:00

As I felt around the tent floor I realized I now had a waterbed effect in certain spots. Would the water creep through the tarp material?

2009-07-05T09:07:00.001-07:00

As I cozied in to my slightly muddy and damp tent to watch Battlestar Galactica I began to notice that the floor was no longer 100% solid.

2009-07-05T09:05:00.001-07:00

My campsite wasn't flooded when I got back. Though I had to relocate most stuff to car or tent. Only a minor nuisance at first.

2009-07-05T09:04:00.001-07:00

Rained as the fireworks really got underway. Real desert flash flood kind of rain. I feared what my campsite would look like.

Just so

2009-07-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

So sad. I have been so sad for so long, I'm not even sure what it would be like to not be sad. Sure I have happy moments, even happy days, but not a day goes by that I don't become overwhelmed with a darkness that threatens my very sanity at some point during the day. I am obviously feeling that now. Why post in publically online? Because it needs to be known. Am I going to get into it or dwell on it? No. But it had to be said, because I am so very sad at this moment in time. Alone in Roswell. Rain pouring from the sky, me sitting in a Starbucks staving off the inevitable drive back to the campground that has been sucking my soul for four days. But no one will read this anyway. Not until much later. Not until I've forgotten about it. And it will be important somehow.

2009-07-03T12:26:00.001-07:00

Being in Roswell is making me paranoid. Good research. I am so glad Colleen encouraged this stop.

2009-07-03T10:22:00.001-07:00

I CRASHED IN ROSWELL! I left my own debris field at 5th and Virginia. Saturn crashed into an unidentified driving object. No one hurt.

2009-07-03T07:01:00.001-07:00

Watching little birds build their nest. Drinking coffee. Preparing for more alien lectures and the arrival of Smick and Ily.

2009-07-02T21:46:00.001-07:00

Fucking Verizon. Fucking Rim. Fucking Blackberry Storm. Erased all of my pictures. All of my voice notes. Everything. Dumbest smart phone.

2009-07-02T14:27:00.001-07:00

Brown bagging it like a hobo on the streets of Roswell. About to attend lecture: Is there anything spiritual to the UFO Agenda. Fantastic.

2009-07-01T19:27:00.001-07:00

Why are there still paper checks? And why do people still use them? Slow. So slow. My god. I hate banks.

2009-07-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

I've done all the work I can do here at the internet connection. Time to head back to the desert and wash my self in the bottomless lake.

2009-07-01T17:54:00.001-07:00

Want free promotion for your business, project, or cause? CoTradeCo is seeking Guest Bloggers for our community blog. http://is.gd/1kZ1g

2009-07-01T17:49:00.001-07:00

I am the worst self-promoter. Had a beer with a guy last night struggling for work. It didn't occur to me to suggest repping for CoTradeCo.

2009-07-01T17:47:00.001-07:00

NSFW (or polite company): Still shaking a cold & being in a dry climate, I have the best boogers. Dry handles, long wet noodle ends. Wow.

2009-07-01T17:44:00.001-07:00

OMG. I think every teenager in Roswell is at Starbucks having a bible study. Or at least that's what they told their parents. I can't tell.

2009-07-01T17:37:00.001-07:00

Hey Twitterer Followerers. If you are really following, say hello. Who are you and what do you do? Woohoo.

2009-07-01T17:27:00.001-07:00

Global warming? Think Carbon Credits are a joke? Get carbon credits from DaliRacing. Real engraved scraps of carbon fiber http://is.gd/1kXMB

2009-07-01T14:56:00.001-07:00

Martin's Mexican Cafe. Just off Main on 4th downtown Roswell. I wanted to eat where locals eat and that seemed to be the only people in there.

2009-07-01T14:04:00.003-07:00

Guadaljara plate. Like an open face enchilada piled up high with beef and green chili. Love green chili.

2009-07-01T14:04:00.001-07:00

I want to bring Alan here to see what he thinks of the salsa. It is so mild but so flavorful. I asked for something spicier and they didn't have anything.

2009-07-01T13:45:00.001-07:00

I waited too long to eat and now. Driving all over...oh wait there...it looks like a locals divey SW mexicany place.

2009-07-01T13:20:00.001-07:00

The price of gas went down 10 cents over night. And all the gas stations in Roswell have exactly the same prices. Suspicious.

2009-07-01T13:13:00.001-07:00

Trails. I think I'm getting into trail conservation and creation. Mostly creation. Where are the trails and public spaces? See you at the mall.

2009-07-01T13:06:00.001-07:00

Apparently the cost of doing business has gone up for credit card companies. Interest rates going up. I don't get it.

2009-07-01T11:33:00.001-07:00

Met a lovely bikini clad local camping with her daughters. She had a cowering little dog she threw in the lake. Locals is wacky. Love it.

2009-07-01T11:31:00.001-07:00

I also must apologize to the folks I admonished for saying there were Raccoons here. There are. 4 of them w/names. Unlike the 400 I battled in MO.

2009-07-01T11:28:00.001-07:00

Followed my ride with a dip in the lake. This place would be unbearable without the lake.

2009-07-01T11:25:00.001-07:00

11 mile ride. Mostly fire roads. 3 miles were the official mtn bike trail. Half the fun as 9 miles in Lawrence but twice as hard. Good morning.

2009-06-30T19:59:00.001-07:00

Its like my own private drive-in theater. Except I am currently surrounded by a horde of bunnies. Or would that be a gaggle?

2009-06-30T19:46:00.003-07:00

As Smick & Ily have not commented I assume they are on their way. Any other takers for 4th of July in Roswell?

2009-06-30T19:46:00.001-07:00

A thunderstorm on the horizon may rain out the first showing.

2009-06-30T19:11:00.001-07:00

As Smick & Ily have not commented I assume they are on their way. Any other takers for 4th of July in Roswell?

2009-06-30T19:08:00.001-07:00

Drinking vodka tonics on the down low. Alcohol is prohibited at the developed camp sites for some reason.

2009-06-30T18:33:00.001-07:00

I am so tired though. After biking, hanging out, driving 900 or so miles, setting camp, going back to town, and swimming the lake, I am beat.

2009-06-30T18:25:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I was camping and biking NW MO, afternoon ride and visiting in Lawrence, and setting camp in Roswell rhe next morning.

2009-06-30T18:20:00.001-07:00

I am here and everything is ready. Join me at camp site 32 at Bottomless Lakes in Roswell. Better hurry 4th of July is coming quick.

2009-06-30T17:28:00.001-07:00

The campsite at Bottomless Lakes Roswell New Mexico.

2009-06-30T11:27:00.003-07:00

A bird just swooped toward me, smashed something into the side of my 80mph car, and then dove into the road to retrieve it. Awesome.

2009-06-30T11:27:00.001-07:00

The soundtrack to Natalie's life just ended. I hope she's okay. Now I don't know what to listen to for 50 more miles.

2009-06-30T06:52:00.001-07:00

Elida looks a cute tiny little town.

2009-06-30T06:44:00.001-07:00

Those were the days my friend. We thought they'd never end. We'd dance and sing forever and a day.

2009-06-30T06:39:00.001-07:00

85 miles. I'm going to make it. But I'm not sure about the soundtrack. I will drive faster.

2009-06-30T06:36:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I just paid for an egg McMuffin. What a rip off. Half the size of a Starbucks breakfast sandwich and about the same price.

2009-06-30T06:06:00.001-07:00

Sunglasses. Check.

2009-06-30T05:40:00.001-07:00

Disc 8. Final disc. Not sure if I will make it. Must go on. I can't go on. So I go on.

2009-06-30T05:16:00.001-07:00

Endless uphill now amd pure white fog. I am going to heaven.

2009-06-30T05:13:00.001-07:00

Fog insane fog. And I can't tell if I smell like a packing plant or if it's the city.

2009-06-30T05:05:00.001-07:00

This whole town smells like spill beer.

2009-06-30T05:03:00.001-07:00

I ain't afraid of your Yahweh. I ain't afraid of your Allah. I ain't afraid of your Jesus. I'm afraid of what you do in the name of your god.

2009-06-30T04:47:00.001-07:00

Cows. And it is flat. Really flat. Perhaps a touch unattractive. Oh and a train. Forever.

2009-06-30T04:43:00.001-07:00

Hey poor you don't have to be poor anymore. Join in the chant. Come as you are. Jesus is here.

2009-06-30T04:15:00.001-07:00

Got it. Now how far before I need sunglasses again. Go.

2009-06-30T04:05:00.001-07:00

Disc 7. In Amarillo. Must get warm food and cool caffeine.

2009-06-30T03:51:00.001-07:00

It is far more pancake-like in the Texas panhandle than any part of Kansas I've been in. And there are no trees.

2009-06-30T03:39:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what time zone I am in.

2009-06-30T03:37:00.001-07:00

The bomb and the breadbasket are ready to blow. You in your dress of blue. Eyes black as coal. I'll love ya till the end of the world.

2009-06-30T03:28:00.001-07:00

Who does Texas have strobe lights everywhere off the road, in the fields. They are too low for planes. But they sure are distracting.

2009-06-30T03:23:00.001-07:00

There is a giant cross. GIANT. Reference thoughts on Christmas stores.

2009-06-30T02:28:00.001-07:00

Disc 6. Entering Shamrock. There were scratches and skips through most of disc 5. Especially disappointed about missing Nico.

2009-06-30T01:58:00.001-07:00

Honestly what construction are they doing exactly in the middle of nowhere with thousands of cones but no construction?