It's been nearly a year (last july) since I said out loud in a public forum (if unread untrafficed public forum) that I was sad. And that was 10+ years too late then. I guess it's up to me. But I've tried to rely on me but nothing works. Nothing. I'm worse off now in every way. So pathetic that my only outlet is a blog and no one hears. So sad.

In fact...fuck you.

The funny thing is how many times do you have to say, "I'm not doing okay," for someone to really care enough to help you somehow. Or does everyone feel this way? Is life that horrible? While I didn't advertise it, I didn't exactly hide it either. I'm not doing okay.

I think about the viability of suicide as a solution on a daily basis. To be clear I don't consider killing myself every day. I just think about the possibility that it is a solution. Because I don't want to feel like this anymore. And the way I feel is a much slower way to die. Maybe I should start writing music.

Would it make any difference if they knew how sad I was?