Up. Down. Hit upside the head.
It just keeps coming and I'm along for the ride.

I'm trying to be more proactive, attempting to have a more positive outlook.

I hope. So I go on.

Today is a better day. Things are not actually better, but I am more committed to being better. Options and alternatives are occurring to me that did not exist before, or I had forgotten about. I considered deleting some of the content from this blog, if not the whole thing. Yet on consideration, mouse hovering over the delete button, I realized that it is important to not forget. It is important that you have the chance to know some of these things. I long for a world of openness, acceptance, and hope that better reflects the possibility of a better world for all that I see all around me despite all that I see which seeks to combat that beautiful thing I strive for.

Not very eloquent. Not edited. But that is why I started this blog in the first place. A dump for my thoughts and experiences. Good and bad. Things that friends and people who would like to know me better should in all fairness know.

Not there yet, but I have hope again.

I look for reasons to smile. I try to "cowboy up" and just do what needs done. My apathy has taken over the depression for the most part and sadness is a vague sensation on the edge of consciousness. To everybody else the apathy probably looks like "being better" but it's not. Just a less emotional feeling of futility. But today the sadness wants to be dominant.

It's a new day and the bird song is pleasant.

I'm not sure or not if it's a good thing nobody pays any attention to what I do online. On the one hand it is helping me make decisions. On the other maybe things could have been different.

I've pretty much decided. Not committed, but I think I am nearly there. I know how. The question is where and when. Hopefully something magical happens.

It's been nearly a year (last july) since I said out loud in a public forum (if unread untrafficed public forum) that I was sad. And that was 10+ years too late then. I guess it's up to me. But I've tried to rely on me but nothing works. Nothing. I'm worse off now in every way. So pathetic that my only outlet is a blog and no one hears. So sad.

In fact...fuck you.

The funny thing is how many times do you have to say, "I'm not doing okay," for someone to really care enough to help you somehow. Or does everyone feel this way? Is life that horrible? While I didn't advertise it, I didn't exactly hide it either. I'm not doing okay.

I think about the viability of suicide as a solution on a daily basis. To be clear I don't consider killing myself every day. I just think about the possibility that it is a solution. Because I don't want to feel like this anymore. And the way I feel is a much slower way to die. Maybe I should start writing music.

Would it make any difference if they knew how sad I was?

Testing yahoo pipes feed

Will it show what I want or no?

Who would have thought it would require such rigmarole to create a simple "recent posts" list on your home page for multiple blogs.

After trying several different feed mixing/aggregating services I ended up going with Yahoo pipes if only because every other feed combining service seems to vanish over time. For the time being Yahoo pipes is the solution. Probably the smartest thing is to implement my own feed aggregator class to use on my own projects.

So for now I am merging the feeds in Yahoo pipes and then using a json request to display the list of recent posts across my various blogs.

Humorously I have been spending so long creating a new web presence for myself that I'm not sure when I'm gong to start producing new content for these blogs. But if I do you can be updated at beingzoe.com.

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