Up. Down. Hit upside the head.
It just keeps coming and I'm along for the ride.

I'm trying to be more proactive, attempting to have a more positive outlook.

I hope. So I go on.

Today is a better day. Things are not actually better, but I am more committed to being better. Options and alternatives are occurring to me that did not exist before, or I had forgotten about. I considered deleting some of the content from this blog, if not the whole thing. Yet on consideration, mouse hovering over the delete button, I realized that it is important to not forget. It is important that you have the chance to know some of these things. I long for a world of openness, acceptance, and hope that better reflects the possibility of a better world for all that I see all around me despite all that I see which seeks to combat that beautiful thing I strive for.

Not very eloquent. Not edited. But that is why I started this blog in the first place. A dump for my thoughts and experiences. Good and bad. Things that friends and people who would like to know me better should in all fairness know.

Not there yet, but I have hope again.

I look for reasons to smile. I try to "cowboy up" and just do what needs done. My apathy has taken over the depression for the most part and sadness is a vague sensation on the edge of consciousness. To everybody else the apathy probably looks like "being better" but it's not. Just a less emotional feeling of futility. But today the sadness wants to be dominant.

It's a new day and the bird song is pleasant.

I'm not sure or not if it's a good thing nobody pays any attention to what I do online. On the one hand it is helping me make decisions. On the other maybe things could have been different.

I've pretty much decided. Not committed, but I think I am nearly there. I know how. The question is where and when. Hopefully something magical happens.

It's been nearly a year (last july) since I said out loud in a public forum (if unread untrafficed public forum) that I was sad. And that was 10+ years too late then. I guess it's up to me. But I've tried to rely on me but nothing works. Nothing. I'm worse off now in every way. So pathetic that my only outlet is a blog and no one hears. So sad.